by Narissa Ventress, M.A., CCC-SLP
Raising a child is an amazing yet challenging journey. As the adult in the relationship, we’re in a position to provide all of the tried and true guidance that — if only he or she would listen — would produce the best life imaginable (or so we hope). Yet, how many times have you asked yourself, “How do I get my child to listen to me”? or “Why do I always have to repeat myself”? Most of the time, we put the emphasis on what we’re saying. However, it’s most important to optimize communication for the receiver. Most parents understand that non-verbal communication plays a significant role in everyday relations between people, but it’s often overlooked that the same concept applies to communication with our children.
Parenthood puts you in a specific role: The role of leader. What does this mean exactly? Well, it means that you’re responsible for keeping your child safe. It means teaching him respect while building a foundation for his future success in life. This is the way your kids see you and it’s the way in which you should model your behavior. As an active leader, you create more control over the environment, which in turn can even help to manage family dynamics better. We know this intuitively, so let’s begin by assuming the role of leader, then use the following strategies to communicate effectively in such an important role.
Use Non-verbal Communication (Alongside Your Words)
We’ve often heard the phrase “she’s in her own world”. Usually this comes after a patient realization that what you’re saying isn’t registering. She must be hearing “wah-wa-wah-wa” from you, right? If you are repeating your request while they are occupied with a favorite video-game or playing with the most loved toy, it’s very likely that your words will just hit the wall of silence and bounce back to you. You need to make sure that you have your child’s attention. What is the best method to achieve this?
- Crouch to your child’s level and establish eye contact. This gives your child more opportunity to absorb facial cues. It also commits them to viewing the interaction as more equitable. It’s more of an “us here” than a “you up there and me down here”.
- Use demonstrative facial expressions. Use positive facial expressions such as smiles and open eyes to convey positive messages and express concern when you need to communicate something more serious. Be consistent with your non-verbal and verbal paring.
- Use Gestures. Hand movements, head tilts, and nods can add to the comprehensiveness of a message. Your child will learn the patterns quickly.
Next time you make a request or ask your child a question, try to say it only once and wait (listen and observe first, remember?). If you don’t get a response, try to introduce a non-verbal component into the communication. Don’t let yourself get frustrated by repeating words to your non-listening bundle of joy! Stop what you are doing at the moment and approach your child. Take her hand, tap her shoulder, turn off the computer or do whatever you need to do to get her attention. Then engage her using verbal and non-verbal communication. Finally, guide her to what she’s supposed to do (come to the table, pick up toys or put the coat and shoes where they need to be).
Some parents get to this point with irritation, but, as we said already, the result can be achieved with greater effect and compassion. Try to remain calm and positive. If you need to, perform the desired behavior in front of your child and ask her to do the same (e.g. remove your plate from the table, saying something like, “You see, I am removing my plate because I’ve finished my dinner. I would like you to do the same with your plate now”). Praise their effort afterward.
Children need a respectful model to learn from. You can’t demand respect from your children and expect them to learn and use it if you don’t show them what respect looks like in communication. If you are just verbalizing, they are learning to respond and show respect based on an abstract model – being told rather than a true model – seeing you. Observation is a very powerful way of learning. Most of what young children learn comes from observing others —in this case, you as a parent. Therefore, when you plan to tell them what to do, show them how to do it as well.
Example: Next time you need your kids to do something, first make sure you have their attention. Start collecting the toys off the floor and invite your children to stop whatever they are doing and come and help you. Engage them at their level. Take their hand and lead them to the hallway in order to get ready to go outside. Stay calm and positive throughout the process. Talk to your kids in an open and friendly manner. Sing to them along the way (we’ll get to the importance of this later!)
Pay attention to their response to what they are observing. As parents, we make the common mistake of putting the emphasis on what we are saying. The fastest way to get your child on board is to make sure they observe, i.e., to show them how to do something. So do both at the same time. Nonverbal acts are perceived faster, more effective, and provoke nuanced understanding. It’s going to give your child more incentive because we (and kids especially!) understand the observed act from an emotional level, and less so from logical communication.
Stop. Asking. Questions.
No matter how hard it seems, stop tacking on “okay?” when requesting something of your child. For instance, instead of saying, “It’s time for a snack, okay?” or “It’s time to go, okay?” always speak in a declarative way (e.g., It’s time for snack. Come to the table). Parents tend to avoid this way of communicating with children as they see it as something negative. It may sound unfriendly and demanding, that is true. Because of this, we hedge it and talk to them in a non-declarative way. You don’t want to hurt your child’s feelings and that is alright. However, by being straightforward (e.g. “It’s time for snack.” “It’s time to go.”), you limit your child’s reliance on emotional decision making. For many situations that require rational decision-making, children are simply not developmentally ready. Thus, they should not be expected or offered to make some decisions, especially regarding their safety and long-term wellbeing.
In some situations we let children make their own decisions because we assume they will be happier with that choice. Also, we want them to be responsible and independent as early as possible. But this logic hardly works with ages 7 and under. Remember, the adult is the leader? Lead by example. Create a safe environment and introduce choice and decision-making when appropriate. They will eventually learn when to lead and when to follow. And you will achieve this by deciding for them in certain situations.
What if I get pushback? You may need to alter your strategy slightly. Sometimes you’ll simply need to say, “Momma knows best. You need to trust me”, or some a similar statement. Let your child know that in some situations, you are in charge. If you want to give your children a choice, make it “this or that”. “an apple or an orange?” or “I can help you do it, or you can do it by yourself”. In numerous situations, you, the parent, have to be the problem solver. That’s what people want from a leader. Of course, you can always modify your choices and find alternatives that will work better for your family.
Use Rhythm & Routine in Everyday Family Dynamics
Children need routine and structure. Routine and specific daily rituals are important in their learning and development. Routine brings necessary consistency in your child’s life. Also, it helps children feel safe and secure, because they know what to expect and what is expected from them. Just because it’s “raining” in your child’s ecosystem, doesn’t mean it has to be in yours (after all, yours may have a thunderstorm as well!).
Create an environment through rhythm and ritual. Let your kids know what will happen next. This doesn’t mean you need to have breakfast at 7:32 am (on the dot) every morning or to have your kids tidy up the room right after they are done playing. In fact, you shouldn’t use the clock to organize your kids’ daily routine – except for bedtime. We all know that life, especially with young children, is unpredictable.
It’s more important to manage the little rituals you do around the daily schedules. Ritual, by definition, is a pleasurable experience. So, set the morning routines and rituals to balance (1) your family’s needs with (2) what seems to enrich your family’s wellbeing.
Example:
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- After your kids get up and finish the bathroom/washroom routine, make them a cup/bowl of their favorite cereal, warm milk, or hot chocolate.
- Thank the sun for coming out in the morning. Walk the dog together. Or light a candle when it’s time for dinner.
- Every time you walk in the house, put your shoes away in the closet and wash up.
- After dinner, bring your plate to the sink.
- Show them how you brush your teeth. Again, you are a role model to your children. They are learning by observing you. .
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Note: By using the power of your non-verbal communication, you will help them learn successfully and grow up as confident individuals. And remember, any type of ritual (that brings structure and wellbeing) will help encourage consistency in life.
Rhythm. It’s well known that transitions between activities are difficult for children! Particularly, young toddlers have trouble with the daily schedule switches. For instance, your toddler plays in the park so delightfully, but it’s time for lunch and a daytime nap. You then state that “playtime has to end” and that you need to go home, while preparing everything as they play to the last second. At this point your two-year-old is probably preparing to have a tantrum. With young children it’s sometimes not enough to verbalize your request and follow up with a non-verbal action.
Try a little trick. Attach a song to transitions. Explain what is happening through music and rhythm. Sing “The ants go marching one by one” while leaving the park or some similar song that illustrates your activities at the time. This is something teachers at daycares typically do when introducing daily transitions in activities to young children. Basically, songs and rhythm evoke pleasant feelings. This way, your child will associate rhythm with the transitions which will hopefully make them run more smoothly. Kids are able to flow with it. By introducing rhythm you are actually entering their environment. And as a result, you should see less resistance.
If you have to correct or criticize your little one, always remember NOT to criticize your child’s personality, but rather concentrate on the behavior or actions instead. Criticism is acceptable as long as it is constructive. Criticism that is directed to a child’s personality leads to feelings of humiliation and which can destroy confidence. So, be a positive and constructive model. Laugh and sing with your child afterward and celebrate their efforts to improve. Help them finish their tasks and set reasonable rules and expectations. This approach of positive parenting will help your child develop into a confident and responsible adult one day. Moreover, it will make your child-rising experience much more pleasurable and considerably less stressful.
Lead by Listening and Observing
If we expect our children to listen and observe, we should not only practice it, but live it. When your child comes into the room and asks, requests, cries, whines, screams, etc., take a moment to pause and observe. This moment allows you to get out of your habitual response system and may help you approach the situation from a different perspective.
When your toddler keeps coming to you whining about something, it’s normal to get feelings of annoyance and perhaps react emotionally. Instead, take a moment to observe the whole situation, including your child’s non-verbal language, which may give you a better idea why he or she is upset and whiny. You may find clues in the environment that can inform you about the source(s) of the problem. Bottom line: when you pause and observe, you put yourself in a better position to address the problem more creatively and comprehensively.
Furthermore, taking a minute before reacting will help you to calm down and approach the situation in a more constructive way. Parenting is a learned behavior. Reactive (e.g., “stop whining and use your words”) vs responsive (e.g., “I see you are upset. Can you tell me what’s wrong/you need?”) are differentiated by timing. It’s critical to be patient and time your evaluations appropriately. By being patient, open and composed, your child will perceive positive communication habits and in turn develop positive behaviors.
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